It's been a long summer...

[kanonavi]

(Forewarning that this is a bit vent-y (or should I say 'vent-i', hah.), I tried not to get too dour but it has been a time. I'll put a bolded line when things lighten up in case you want to read about what I've read this summer.)

At some point I realized that posting on here has become a bit like how it is to write in my diary, since when I'm doing terribly I just won't be compelled to write in it, even though that's theoretically the purpose of journaling. Anyway, I'm moving back to school in a little over a week and it could not come fast enough.

I made a post the night I got home from school in June, and even though I just rambled on about some random thoughts, I had so much wind in my sails, but by mid-July at most that wind was just gone, to a degree that even I was shocked. This summer was supposed to be about getting my foundations as an Adult(tm) set up, since I turned 21 back in April. I had documents to renew, appointments to make and people to talk to, but I never could have expected how much that was going to take out of me. It's been a lot to organize and sort out, especially when I'm walking the line between wanting to be more independent but still needing to rely on my parents for a lot of things that's been causing a lot of friction between them and me.

Now it's August and I feel like I haven't been able to get done half the stuff that I initially wanted to, and especially not the stuff that's most important. It's immensely frustrating, but there's also no one I can really point to and blame other than myself. Some of my friends like to say that "I don't have that dog in me" when it comes to certain situations, but what I've been feeling is that I used to have the dog in me, but now after two decades the dog is old and tired and can't dog the way it used to. I guess that's just what undiagnosed neurodivergency will do to a person, but I think there's something uniquely excruciating about it to have been brought up in an online space where you watch that happen to so many people and think "That won't happen to me though," until suddenly it does. Such is the way of hubris, I suppose lol

The whole being trans thing isn't really helping either. I still haven't told anyone in my family, purely because I just don't feel like I have a very strong direction for myself yet, but god if it hasn't done me some psychic damage over the past three months with the way that I get treated. It's difficult to deal with because no harm is meant by it, but there's still harm being done, and I can't eliminate that harm because I don't feel like I can tell the truth. It's a vicious cycle that I think I'll just have to keep running from for a while longer until I find my footing. For this coming year though, I think I'm going to ask my closest friends to start calling me by a new name, if only so that I can take the first step towards confronting this part of myself instead of continuing to ignore it for my own peace of mind. Because if there's anything these past two years have taught me, it's that whatever peace of mind I'm gaining now, it's painfully temporary.

I think the most frightening thing of all, though, is the way that even my interest in fandom kind of seemed to lose its luster a bit the more time went on. I fell into a bit of a fic-reading slump in July, and that made it so much harder to keep myself entertained when I didn't have the motivation to pick up a book or a game. I felt like my interest in the stories and characters I love so much kind of fell into stagnation, and I'll admit that I'm a person who thinks about stories and blorbos to cope. So if no blorbos, then how cope?? I'm on my way to climbing out of that by now, but I would honestly say that little blip in my interest in things was just as awful as everything else.

Thankfully though, the whole thing hasn't been a wash,

Like I said in my post back in June, I did actually manage to post something this summer (yay!). I'm frustrated that I wasn't able to get anything else off my plate, but I'm taking the small victories as they come. My expectations are still low for the fall on account of my capstone, but I don't intend to stop creating. Or at least, trying to lol

Speaking of my capstone, I've spent the latter half of the summer rereading TGCF so that I can write a literary analysis about one of the scenes (I haven't quite decided which out of the few I have in mind, but the opening of Mount Tonglu is coming up soon in my reread *eyes emoji*). It's been an interesting experience to go through something that I loved in such a self-indulgent way to stick tabs in it and think about it in a scholarly way, but it's a project I'm really looking forward to, even if it might eat me alive. It's a story that I just can't help but admire (if my incessant yapping in certain friend's dms while reading is any indication lmao) so I'm looking forward to really getting into the weeds with it.

My two other reading projects for the summer have been (and don't laugh at the contrast) Crime and Punishment and The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System. The former, I've owned since I was probably 16 years old and I wanted to read it on account of a now dearly beloathed former fandom of mine, but now just because I think it's interesting to read translated classics. I did still enjoy The Stranger when I read it in junior year of high school (even if my team lost the mock trial -3-). Crime and Punishment is... a bit less comprehensible, I would say? I do have fun with it (especially when Razumihin or Dounia are on the page) but I definitely don't feel like I've picked up on all the philosophy the book has tried to throw down. Such is the consequence of rawdogging the classics, I would say.

As for the latter... I've enjoyed it so much more than I ever thought I would. My friends did a good job of keeping my expectations for it Low so that when I did actually read it, I was so pleasantly surprised. I'm only halfway done, since I set it aside to read TGCF, but SVSSS lives its premise with such shameless abandon that I just couldn't help but get sucked in to the story. I feel like this might be at least a warm take, but I actually have preferred SVSSS over MDZS so far, which I wasn't expecting. It's been a bit hard to articulate why, but it's like there are a lot of individual parts about MDZS that I really enjoy but they don't really come together into a whole that I enjoy as much as I do the whole of SVSSS. Of course, I still love all three of MXTX's series, but I just wasn't expecting her oldest (and arguably trashiest (said affectionately, of course)) work to find itself in second place in my heart.

Aside from reading, the highlights of my summer have always involved the moments that I've gotten to spend with my real-life friends, who are thankfully still close enough by that I've been able to visit them quite a few times over the summer. They always manage to give me a pick-me-up when I need it, and it was actually the fact that I was lucky enough to spend the entirety of the last week with them that has kind of managed to jump-start my brain back into normalcy. None of them will see this, since they don't use this site, but I'm still really grateful to them anyway.

In any case, this has been quite the experiment into posting serious real-life lamentations on the internet, I don't know if I'll ever do it again, but I wanted to at least bookend this summer, since... now that I'm thinking about it, this will be my last ever true summer vacation for the forseeable future, unless I decide to go for a master's degree. Huh...

Instead of unpacking that thought, let me leave you with some non-Genshin fic recs from this summer (and a bit earlier because I'm a cheater), just for fun!:

- Faith for the second run, by senblades (Persona 5, Gen + Akechi/Joker, T-rated, 391k, Incomplete) - This fic single-handedly repaired my bittersweet relationship with Persona 5 and also irreparably altered my brain chemistry about Akechi, Sumire, and Haru.
- all the king's horses, by DFP (Honkai: Star Rail, Boothill/Argenti, M-rated, 8k, Complete) - A heartwrenching character study about a ship I started liking as a bit, but if there's anyone who can make me like something unironically, it's DFP <3
- How to Lose 800 Years of Cultivation, by Princeliest (TGCF, Feng Xin/Mu Qing, E-Rated, 24.6k, Complete) - I. Have reread this more than I would like to admit. I was already kinda obsessed with Mu Qing after reading the books, but Princeliest's fics made it irreparable.

Here's to a better fall, and to getting things back on track!

Comments

[huafeihua]

definitely felt it when you mentioned the Excruciating Experience of thinking that neurodivergent burnout won't happen to you, only to fall into its pit trap hook, line, and sinker o(--(

i know it's a little different for me, since i did technically get diagnosed before high school (and definitely before i valued the experiences and advice of people who've lived before me), but my own experiences of reading abt what people similar to me have struggled and/or failed through in a future i considered given for me to pursue, vowing to Do Better Than That by Following The Advices or whatever, only to. fall into its pit trap hook, line, and sinker.
well, it sucked a lot for me too!!!!!

anyway, the decline of interest in fandom is definitely a scary thing too. i tend to express my own fears around the subject as like... when you love someone for a very long time, but the "unconditional" aspect of it starts to wear on you. granted, most of my fandom burnouts tend to happen bc i feel like i'm putting in So Much only to get Very Little back in return, but i've also had fandom lows that have resulted from irl burnout, so i think that's just like. kind of normal in depression ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

THAT SAID!!!! you should talk more of your friends into joining dreamwidth :^) i think it would be fun :D :D

[kanonavi]

No, literally. I don't remember if I told you this story or not, it would have been a while ago, but I remember that one of my friends got diagnosed with depression near the end of high school and another was struggling with anxiety, and I remember feeling like I'd won because that didn't happen to me and now looking back on it, that's just... *horrified screaming*

There's absolutely this temptation to believe that you can do better because you're Better Informed but like, it's just kind of bullshit. Not fully bullshit but at least a little bit bullshit, because life is unpredictable and sometimes it'll just take you out at the knees and there'll be nothing you can do about it. No matter how patient with yourself you try to be, or how much you try to listen to your own needs, we aren't the only people on earth, and the rest of reality tends to come knocking no matter what we do. And that. Fucking SUCKS!!!!!! agh. its rough out there

I feel like this fandom low is resulting from irl burnout more than anything tbh. Because like, I am So Fucking Burned Out rn. But it's also true (and we've had this conversation before obv) that the decline of xiaoven is weighing on me too. I try not to get super emo about it or anything, but sometimes it is really hard to keep going in my passion for it when there's just so little to get out of it in return other than my own satisfaction. Cuz I want validation too, dammit!!!!! But again, I think I'll be okay after I get my head back on straight and pull myself out of this slump. Still, the specter of that decline in interest will always remain, sad as it is to say.

I think it would be a hard sell, since a site like this takes serious commitment and that's not the social media experience most of my friends are leading. I know I talked about it with Ham, because there's a user who used to post about Genshin a lot who posted about Dottore a few times and I was like "Ham I have Dottore Posting for you" and they were like "owo" but idk if it's a bit they'd ever commit to. I'd be delighted if any of them did join, but my hopes are low lol

[himbeersaft]

I'm really sorry you have been going through a hard time, even though we think summer holidays should be all sunshine and rainbows. But I think it's when you don't have to focus on studying that your brain catches up with everything that was pushed to the back of your mind and suddenly you find yourself in a slump.

I wish I had any valuable advice that I could share, but sadly I'm not that good with words. I wand to ask you to not be too hard on you though. "Adulting" isn't easy and it just takes some time to figure everything out for yourself. Take the time that you need, go one step at a time. Sadly, there's not just one path that if you follow it you'll figure everything out, but there are so many different roads to get to your destinations. And you've probably heard it a million times before and find a comment like that really annoying, but it's true when people say that you might not feel like a "full-grown adult" even way past your 20s. I'm pushing 40 and would often love to avoid doing [adult responsibility] if I could. Unfortunately, it's a battle that we can't avoid though, so we have to push through.

So please be kind to yourself and don't compare yourself to others when it comes to these things. You do you and you'll find your way! (I really hope that doesn't sound condescending or patronising because that's not how I mean it. I'm just telling you this as someone who avoided serious phonecalls like the plague until my first job forced me to talk on the phone like 20 times a day.)

As for fandom, I hope you can find the joy in it again soon. But it's also something you can't force. Maybe you just need a break from the ones your in and find another one in the meantime? The last thing you want is to actually sour on your blorbos because you felt you have to engage with their fandom.

Crime and Punishment + SVSSS really are an interesting combo. ;) I love both though. SVSSS is actually my favourite series from that author, and I LOVE Russian classics. Yes, I also lack the historical background and so a lot of things will go over my head, but I just love the language in those books. Russian classics are actually the only books I'll read in German because the translations are usually so good!

Sending you lots of hugs (if you want them), I hope you'll feel better soon. I know I'm just a random person on the internet, but I'm there if you need someone to lend you an ear. :)

[kanonavi]

Thank you for your kind words, I promise they don't sound condescending or patronizing or anything like that <3 It's actually kind of reassuring to hear that "adulting" can still be difficult even for someone who's been doing it for a while. I'll try my best not to be too hard on myself, I try to as best as I can, but it's also so easy to get frustrated when I feel like I'm making such minimal progress every day (and also when I still have my parents and their expectations breathing down my neck). I'm just hoping that going back to school and regaining a sense of routine will kind of break me out of this feeling of inertia that I feel like I've been carrying for most of the summer.

I honestly think that most of my fandom burnout is just an extension of my irl burnout, because I know that I want to be able to engage with the things I love, but I'm often too tired to do so. I have been watching some new shows though and given brainpower to some new medias (Dungeon Meshi and The Apothecary Diaries were two shows I watched recently) so even though I'm not getting as fixated on them as I have Genshin or TGCF, it's been nice to sit down and experience some new stories. I'm one of those anime fans who loves anime but is terrible at sitting down and watching anime, so it's kind of felt like an achievement to commit to finishing those shows lol

Omg we should chat about SVSSS once I'm done with the series, I'm fully expecting to devour those books once I'm through rereading TGCF. You're so right about the language used in classics though, even though I feel like they're kind of hit or miss in English. Crime and Punishment has mostly felt really dense to me, there haven't been many parts that really jumped out, language-wise. The Stranger, however, had absolutely fantastic use of language and imagery, which was why I latched onto it. That's really cool that the German translation of Russian classics are actually pretty good, it reminds me of how one of my friends often reads classics in Chinese, though she usually does it because she reads and processes more complicated language faster in Chinese than English. Unfortunately, I'm stuck fending off a headache while trying to process a 5-page monologue in English lmao

Thank you so much for the hugs, they are much appreciated <3

[himbeersaft]

You're very welcome. <3 Routines are definitely helpful, at least in my experience, so I hope that's going to get you back on track again. But it's tough, I'm also familiar with the pressure you get from still being dependant on your parents, so you have my full sympathy! Still, don't give up and take each day as it comes. Even if it's just watching new anime, you're still doing something because like you said, just sitting down and focusing on something takes a lot of energy. I, for one, can't watch any shows at all, because I lack the attention span even if I enjoy the show (though I can grind in games for hours on end, it's weird).

We should definitely talk about SCSSS, I'm curious of what you think of it. I loved that it took itself less seriously than her other books. The MC is hilarious imo. :P
Haha, in whatever language you're reading those Russians, you definitely have to focus. It's not something you can read while it's really loud around you. I also have to be in a very specific mood to enjoy them, end of summer is coincidently the time I always picked up a book by one of my favourite Russian authors. Too bad my reading list is too long as it is, so I'm going to skip them for now.

[kanonavi]

I agree, I absolutely love Shen Qingqiu as the protagonist. The fact that he's Proud Immortal Demon Way's biggest hater and biggest fan (even if he'd never admit it) is just peak comedy. He's showing up to the roleplay fully prepared to steal the show armed only with his encyclopedic knowledge of insignificant plot mcguffins and fuctioning moral compass lmao

Sometimes when I'm reading Crime and Punishment I feel like my eyes glaze over like half a page until I suddenly wake up and have no idea about any of the words I just read, so even though focus is key I don't always have it :'(. Out of curiosity, what else is on your reading list? I know mine is also far too long for my own good.

[himbeersaft]

Absolutely! I think MXTX really depicted the completely love-hate relationship super fans have with their respective extremely well with Shen Qingqiu. Sometimes we hate out of love, lol. ;)

Oh, I know that too well. It often happens to me when I try to read something "serious" on my commute. I'm easily distracted and then realise that I have no idea what I just read. I'm currently reading "Welcome to the Hyunam-Dong Bookshop" by Hwang Bo-Reum. I mostly buy my books online, but whenever I enter a bookshop I leave with at least three books. When I got that one it was especially bad because the shop in question not only expanded its English language section but it also had a whole table of books by East Asian authors. So that Korean novel is the last from my recent haul. Once I'm done, I want to read "Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It". I try to read some non-fiction in between and I'm also a complete doormat who can't defend her own interests to save her life, so maybe I can learn something from that book? :P As for danmei, I haven't read any in a while. My last one was "Little Mushroom" and that one just was a bit too weird for me. :P

[kanonavi]

I feel the same, I rarely go to small bookshops, but when I do I always feel like I have to buy at least one thing. I never read much non-fiction in all honesty, the last one I read was Horse Barbie, which is the memoir of Geena Rocero, a trans model from the Philippines, which I only came upon because I happened to go to a talk she did in Provincetown in Summer 2023. Otherwise, I'm not really out hitting the life advice books lol. I hope yours helps you out though! I'm hoping to find more danmei that aren't MXTX's one day, but it's kinda hard to know the full spectrum of what's out there since I don't know a ton of people that much deeper into danmei. It's very unfortunate.

(Also, sorry for the awkward late reply I've been busy on vacation and moving into school, I just wanted to comment on the books a bit since I was the one who asked to begin with lol)